Restorechurch   -  

Author: Courtney Barnes


Growing up I thought on and off “I didn’t have a very great testimony…I haven’t had some huge conversion story.” But that thought was just from the enemy, the thief and author of comparison. I have always known the Lord, and I was saved and baptized at a very young age. Some might say too young, but I knew Jesus had died for my sins and had asked Him into my heart, and understood that baptism was a sign of my sins and self dying and raising to new life in Jesus.

As a teen I walked with the Lord, growing in my relationship with Him. There was a few moments of teenage rebellion, but even as I write that, the thoughts of “it’s silly- not good enough” are at the edge of my mind… I listened to the Top 5 @ 9 secular radio station songs and recorded them on my big boom box, said some bad words, and “went out” with some boys my parents didn’t approve of…

Jumping ahead to my tender years of young motherhood… My new husband was deployed for 24 months when we were just married for 6 months, and I was 5 months pregnant. Our plan had been to wait to have kids for 5 years, but thankfully God had other plans. Our oldest daughter’s name means “Gift of God” and she was a gift to us in that season. After she was born, I dealt with what could have been called “baby blues” but I brushed it off. Of course I would be dealing with a lot of emotions, my husband was deployed and in a very dangerous place, and I was parenting alone. Those feelings of deep emotions eventually went away. A little over two years later I would give birth to our second daughter and those feelings would return. I again chalked it up to my husband’s deployment, this time 18 months. He left when our daughters were 2 ½ and 6 months old. I went through some darkness but had to press on because of our daughters.

Four years after that we were so happy to welcome our son into our family. I remember loving my kids, but being very detached emotionally. I have a memory of watching a movie on our couch and being devoid of emotion, until a funny part would come on and I would laugh at the appropriate time, but then return to my dull and lifeless emotive state. Aiden was 6 months old before I realized I was dealing with postpartum depression. My husband and my best friend took turns watching me and making sure I was ok. They tried to help me. I would be “ok” but then I would be 90 miles an hour in rage yelling at my little girls, and then I would go back to having no emotions. I was a walking shell of myself. I remember having the realization that I needed help and I was ready to talk to my doctor. He listened and prescribed something where I would have to end nursing. I was devastated but knew I was ready to do whatever it took to be my old self. I told Adam I would nurse for the next day and start the medicine the next day. In hindsight, I realized I was probably dealing with PPD with all of my pregnancies, but didn’t seek help until after my third baby.

The doctor’s appointment was a baby well check I believe, and I got the help I needed. That night there was small group that I went to with my husband and parents. We watched a video of a speaker down in Flordia- Reggie Dabbs. I had heard him speak in person a few years prior at college, and now we were watching a video teaching that the precious couple who hosted the study were so excited about. I wanted to be anywhere but there. As I listened half heartedly to the teaching, some words blazed through my depressed funk and straight to my heart. “On the second day, God said it was good good. I don’t know what happened yesterday, but tomorrow’s coming and God said it’s GOOD GOOD.” Genesis 1- The Holy Spirit did something in my heart and I felt the cloud of depression lift from me. That night as we laid in bed, I was talking to my husband and pouring my heart out to him, and he said something I’ll never forget: “It’s you, you’re back!” I told him the picture I had was of Eyore walking around with the storm cloud over his head, and that the Lord had lifted it. It was gone. I was willing to take the medicine prescribed, but the Lord did something that night, and I didn’t end up having to take it.

Sometimes the healing is a miracle, sometimes He uses medicines, and that’s the miracle. I am so thankful for God’s touch that night. I used to ask Him why I went through postpartum depression, and He showed me that it is part of my testimony of His goodness and healing power in my life.

This is a brief story of my experience. My story matters. Your story matters!
Are you going through a rough patch? Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? God says your day two is coming! It IS good! He is good and has hope and a good future for you!

Pray and ask Him to give His hope and peace for whatever you’re walking through. He Will do it!